Men of the world, beware

Like most good blue state denizens, I read the New York Times every day on their web site. When I've gone through the headline and international news, I sometimes check on the "most emailed" list to see if there's anything interesting that has escaped my early morning slow wittedness. For what seems like a very long time, there has been one title that has ranked in the top ten, which is rare on this list. Usually the list seems to turnover completely every few days or so.



The title in question is "Modern Love: What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage", which sounds about as interesting as watching the daytime emmy awards or "how Stella got her groove back". So for weeks I've been ignoring it, thinking to myself -- "Booooooring". Today, after weeks of seeing it on the list, I finally caved in and read it. Or rather, I skimmed it with an escalating sense of alarm as I read a description of how, by treating your husband like a hyena, cougar, or yes, a baboon, you can train him to "become easier to love". The worst part about it is that it made a lot of sense, and I could see myself behaving like her husband Scott... getting freaked out and angry about losing my keys for the five hundredth time. And then a few realisations hit me in rapid progression. First, although the techniques (reward good behavior, encourage behaviors incompatible with bad behaviors, do not respond to bad behavior) work equally well on the crazier fairer sex, this manual of mind control is hidden in plain sight. I mean, unless you were not extremely bored, no husband would read an article with that title. Second realisation: Chloe reads the new york times every day too, which means... So I called her immediately.

me:Hi!
Chloe:hhhmph, yes?
me:So I was reading the new york times today... there was this article that I'd been ignoring for like a month.. something about treating your husband like a baboon? Do you know what I'm talking about?
Chloe:(muffled laughter), pause
Chloe:ummm yes, I've seen it.
me:So, you wouldn't happen to be using those techniques on me would you?
Chloe:(twenty seconds of muffled laughter)
Chloe:maybe!

so it turns out that I've been a baboon in training ever since that article came out, as I'm sure has happened to a lot of other men out there. After another laughing fit, she generously gave her permission for me to try the baboon training techniques on her, if it would make me feel any better.